I don’t mean to toot my own trombone or anything (plus I hear you can go blind from doing that too much), but in some circles, I've earned a pretty swell reputation for sussing out political pulchritude. Hence, it was no great shock when the e-mails began flooding in, all with the gist of "Virginia, you've obviously got a keen eye for the GOP hotties, but who among the Dem. POTUS hopefuls would be your A#1 humpbunny?" Well obviously none of them could possibly dislodge Rovey's haunches from twixt my slick and limber thighs, but in the spirit of bipartisanship, I give you…
Virginia Wade's Guide to Democratic Candidate Humpability
Senator John Kerry - Remember in high school when your best friend's parents separated, and their Dad moved into the apartment complex the next town over and tried to get all your friends to call him by his first name, and got his ear pierced and you could totally tell that after he got out of the shower, he'd flex in the mirror with a towel around his waist and think to himself, "Heh, heh, heh - the Old Man's still got it"? The minute he rode the motorcycle onto Jay Leno's set, Kerry nixed any chance of nabbing red-hot, under-35 poontang again in this lifetime. Gas up the Suburban, and godspeed to the local T.G.I. Friday's for Mudslide Nite, Senator - 'cause soccer mom snatch is the only cocktail left on your menu.
Senator John Edwards - I'd be so totally freaked out that in the middle of it, he'd channel my dead Grandma and she'd yell at me for being a dirty, dirty girl, because now she's seen what I do to myself under the afghan after a new issue of NewsMax comes through my slot. And while I'm more than delighted to have Rovey take me to task for that sort of behavior while I'm decked out in my Immaculate Heart of the Bleeding Virgin High regulation jumper and saddle shoes, a bare-bottomed rosary flogging from Nana would make my thighs sweaty in kinda the wrong way. And besides, W. has shown us that presidenting is super-hard work that takes up whole afternoons sometimes. What with that and his Sci-Fi Channel show, when would Edwards ever be able to squeeze his l'il Virginia in?
Reverend Al Sharpton - Al, baby - I don't know why you stopped calling me, and it burned me all the way down to my creamy center - I will not deny that. I understand that a man can get palate fatigue from snacking on the same flavor day after day, but it hurts me bad that my vanilla lost its thrilla for you. As you know, I'm someone else's Ho-Ho now, but I can't help hoping that every once in a while, you sniff your sexy 'stache and can still catch a hot l'il whiff o' Ginny.
General Wesley Clark - Once you've developed a taste for K-Rations, you're not gonna go opening up your cakehole for just any old mess the Army slings your way. While it might be amusing to while away an afternoon bouncing pocket change off The General's combat-toned hindquarters, there's something about his ultra-stiff posture that makes me suspect that in his off-duty hours, he's fond of taking orders to suit up like Corporal Ramon Sassypants of the 69th Poolside Division and drop to give twenty to any buck private who issues forth a command.
Congressman Dennis Kucinich - No doubt the ladies love Cool Denny, what with his elegant bearing and rakish, rugged good looks, but I'm troubled by his veganism. If he won't eat meat, will he still eat ME? Rovey knows just how I like my oeufs whipped up - scrambled and shirred and over easy, and I just don't reckon I could go without now. Once you've had Rovey's bacon, fakin' just won't do.
Ambassador Carol Moseley Braun - Well, I can't really comment, because I've never surrendered to the sweet strains of Sappho (at least not without a few shots of Jaegermeister and a Delta Kappa Epsilon running a video camera, and The Chipster swore to me that he destroyed every copy of those tapes so you can't prove ANYTHING!), but I'm sure with a couple of roofies and a Phranc album on the turntable, I'd likely pick her over Hadassah Lieberman.
Representative Dick Gephardt - You know how some dogs, like Irish Setters, and sometimes Yellow Labs look like they have eyebrows? Dickie totally doesn't. I'm not saying that my knickers would be knottier if he was a little more like our four-legged friends (and again - no matter what you've heard, all the tapes are GONE and, uh, Chipper - if you're reading this, could you, like, call me?), but if he was all "Is that a Milk Bone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" I'd have to be all, "Um, no, Dude. The Mary Kay lady just left me this brow pencil, and oh my word, it happens to be an Autumn! Here - lean in for juuust a sec and try not to blink…"
Senator Joseph Lieberman - Hadassah comes up tops in this match-up. Why? Well isn't it obvious? It really is possible to be TOO handsome. Ooohhh…if I was stumping for Joe, I'd just be constantly flustered by his Muppety good looks, but I promised Rovey that his back office was the only door I'd knock on, so it's really best I keep my hand out of things.
Governor Howard Dean - Tee hee! My Rovey's got a little crush on Dr. Dean. For gosh sakes, he talks about him ALL the time - when we're in the car, at the store, splashing around in the backyard pudding vat, etc. It got to the point where I said Rovey, Honey, would you just like me to go on the interweb and print out a Howard Dean mask for myself so you can flush it out of your system? Little did I know how that would lead to nights upon nights of "Turn your head and cough, Mr. Rove", or role-playing Benedict Arnold and the Green Mountain Boys with a computer printout taped to my face, but heck, if it gets me more time to civilly unite with him, the Doctor is in, sweet Rovey, WAY in.
Posted by Virginia at December 2, 2003 04:54 AM
(Pssst! If you want your inbox tickled whenever I stick up a new entry on this site, gimmie a holler at virginia at i love karl rove dot com, and I'll add you to my list, 'kay?)